Self care: Learn to treat yourself gently like a friend

Have you ever treated yourself this way? Do something wrong and curse yourself for being so stupid; Not achieving the goal, saying that they are 'too useless'; When feeling down, force yourself to 'stop being sentimental'. You are gentle and considerate to your friends, but like a strict judge to yourself. This article wants to invite you to treat yourself in a different way - treat yourself gently like you would treat your best friend.

Treating oneself gently is an ability. According to psychologist Kristin Neff's research, self-care consists of three core elements. Self kindness is not blaming oneself in the face of failure, but rather understanding and supporting oneself. Common humanity means understanding that pain is a shared experience of humanity, and that you are not the only one suffering. Mindfulness awareness is acknowledging the pain of the present moment, neither avoiding nor magnifying it. Simply put, it means treating yourself like a wounded friend when you are in pain, experiencing failure, or feeling inadequate.

Many people are taught from a young age to strictly demand themselves and not be arrogant or complacent. So we learned to use self-criticism to 'motivate' ourselves. Some studies have shown that self-criticism does not make you better, but may instead increase anxiety and depression, and reduce motivation. Just like a child who is constantly criticized, they will not become better, they will only become more insecure. Imagine a child who did poorly on an exam. Would you say to them, 'You're too stupid, you're useless,' or would you say, 'We didn't do well this time, let's take a look together and see what went wrong.'? The wounded self within you also needs the same tenderness. Self care is not about indulging oneself, not making excuses for oneself, but about giving oneself a hand when falling, not kicking oneself again.

Thirty year old Xiaoya used to compete with herself every day. Blame yourself for not doing a good job; Unable to control emotions, cursing oneself; Even taking a break feels like a waste of time. She thought this would make her better, but ended up pushing herself to the brink of collapse. Later, she began to try some self-care exercises. On her first attempt, she looked at herself in the mirror and said, 'You've been working hard, so rest when you're tired.' Then she cried. She has never spoken to herself like this before. Now she still makes mistakes, but no longer defines herself by them. She learned to hug herself when she fell, instead of continuing to hurt herself. It should be noted that this is a personal experience sharing and does not represent professional psychological therapy advice.

Self care is often misunderstood as selfishness, laziness, or making excuses. In fact, self-care is a way to give yourself strength and help you face challenges more bravely. Here are some practice directions that can be referenced. When you want to criticize yourself again, try switching to a friend's perspective and asking yourself, 'What would I say to a good friend if they encountered the same thing?' Then say the same thing to yourself. When feeling sad, you can try placing your hand on your chest and saying to yourself, "This is difficult, but I'm with you." You can also practice the "permission sentence structure" by changing "I shouldn't..." to "I allow myself...". For example, 'I allow myself to rest' and 'I allow myself to make mistakes'.

Self care is an ability that requires practice. You can start by becoming aware of your own dialogue and paying attention to what you say to yourself. When you criticize yourself, take note of it and see how harsh you are on yourself. Next, every time you want to criticize yourself, switch to 'What would I say if my friend encountered this?' and say the same thing to yourself. Then, write a letter to yourself, like writing to an injured friend. Tell him, you see his pain, you understand him, you accompany him. Finally, take care of yourself and do something that makes you feel treated well. Tell yourself, this is what I deserve.

You have been taking care of others, who will take care of you? The answer is yourself. Self care is not selfishness, but acknowledging that you are also someone who needs to be taken care of. Your pain deserves to be seen, your efforts deserve recognition, and your imperfections deserve acceptance. Starting today, try to be gentle with yourself. It's not because you're perfect that you're worth being loved, but because you're already worth it. May you learn to treat yourself gently like your best friend. You don't need to become better to be worthy of love, you are already good enough at this moment.